Coalition cuts will not be implemented says council leader
Article published: Friday, April 1st 2011
The leader of Manchester City Council Sir Richard Leese is expected to announce this morning that the local authority will be refusing to implement £109m of cuts imposed by the coalition government.
Council Leader ready to make public statement this morning
It is believed that a secret meeting was held earlier in the week by the local Labour Party in which Manchester councillors agreed that the case for non-implementation was overwhelming. According to sources within the council, Sir Richard gave a rousing speech in which he described the cuts as “completely unpalatable”, going on to say that “Manchester won’t eat any more shit.”
Manchester is the first council in the UK to consider such radical resistance against the Conservative-led government, who Leese will say have declared “social war” on the poorest and most vulnerable in British society. Local councillors now hope other councils across the country will be inspired into similar action.
Anti-cuts campaigners across the city have reacted with disbelief. One trade union official told MULE that they were amazed to find leading figures in the Labour Party taking “such a principled position” and was surprised to learn of a Labour politician “with any backbone”. After fighting what seemed a futile battle to save local services, campaigners are rushing to organise celebration parties, which will be held at youth clubs, Sure Start centres, libraries and swimming pools across the city.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has been quick to distance himself from Leese and Manchester Labour Party, suggesting to reporters that the actions of the local council are “no better than those of the mindless vandals we saw in London last weekend.”
Eric Pickles prepares for war
The coalition government have reacted with fury at the news. Upon hearing of the imminent press conference, David Cameron was reportedly so angry that he hurled his morning bagel at Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. Talking outside Downing Street, a visibly shaken Clegg assured journalists that the coalition was as strong as ever, and that “any means necessary” would be used to bring the rogue council under control.
Eric Pickles is believed to be calling for a ‘no-fly zone’ to be put into immediate effect over the northern cities of Liverpool, Newcastle and Birmingham, seen as key strategic targets for the ‘rebels’. Leese and strongman Sir Howard Bernstein are apparently unperturbed by the rumours emanating from the capital, saying the people of Manchester and the north will be united and are prepared to “fight the toffs” whatever they throw at them. Rumour has it that the Manchester Committee of Public Safety have already taken over the headquarters of Greater Manchester Police.
Chief Constable Peter Fahy hears the news of GMP's demise
As Leese and Bernstein – who are preparing to renounce their knighthoods and pledge allegiance to the people of Manchester – urge employees to take over their workplaces, business leaders and many of the commenters on the Manchester Evening News website are said to be fleeing the city, fearing reprisals from angry workers and residents who have endured years of misery and exploitation. Tom Bloxham, chair of Urban Splash, speaking from his house in the south of France, said the council’s actions were “economic suicide”.
However, reports suggest that the firebrand president of oil-rich Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, is ready to pour billions of dollars into Manchester, and is prepared to fund a protracted campaign “for the emancipation of the Great British people”.
Bernstein explains the "inevitability of history" in unlikely change of direction
Bernstein, who will appear alongside General ‘Red Nev’ Gary Neville directly after Leese’s broadcast, is set to announce an immense public works programme across the city, including thousands of high quality council houses and community gardens. Chorlton is expected to be demolished to make way for a vast collectivised agricultural scheme to feed the “heroes of the New People’s Republic of Manchester”.
The people of Manchester are said to be overjoyed at the sudden change of heart in their illustrious leaders. “My people love me,” said Leese, “it’s only fair that I give them something back at this point.”
April Mules
More: Manchester, News
Comments
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Lol, brilliant, made my morning start with a smile
Comment by Bill Harrop on April 1, 2011 at 8:24 am
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If only..happy fools. Funny!
Comment by sue on April 1, 2011 at 8:24 am -
Comment by jen on April 1, 2011 at 8:33 am -
Brilliant! Nice one Mule.
Comment by giles on April 1, 2011 at 8:56 am -
Is this really an April fool?? I don’t think it’s very funny! there is a lot of people out there campaigning against the cuts it’s cruel giving them false hope like this!
Comment by upsetM40 on April 1, 2011 at 9:52 am -
You had me all the way until you said a labour politician with a backbone! That went too far!
Comment by JoshuaKaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 10:08 am -
hahaah very funny yes we got the irony in the end but still a bit out of order for first thing reading…gave me false hopes seeing that im trying to help the cause at the moment, its when i saw the Leese quote “my people love me” that i had to laugh! April Fools, out of touch the lot of them. Channel Four seems to think so too judging from their take on the Manchester cuts report in Clayton on the news last night…..described as wasteful at one point. Can’t argue there!!! No wonder we’ve been targetted so hard they’ve obviously read the councils balance sheets!
Comment by Joanne Harworth on April 1, 2011 at 10:30 am -
brilliant article, if only. General Red Nev indeed.
@upsetM40 its April fools day lighten up. It’s not cruel, stop patronising people, they aren’t as stupid as you seem to think they are.
Comment by Ben on April 1, 2011 at 11:21 am -
For christ’s sake it’s just an April fools joke! And a very cutting, harsh one against Leese and Co at that… I loved it! Quit whining! No wonder lefties have a reputation for being miserable po faced bastards!
Comment by Polyp on April 1, 2011 at 11:38 am -
If only it were true, Leese is more than sunning himself beside Bloxham’s pool in the South of France.
Comment by Patrick Sudlow on April 1, 2011 at 4:10 pm -
Never pick a fight you can’t win.
Comment by simon on April 1, 2011 at 4:15 pm -
A funnier April Fool would be the Mule and its Socialist Worker chums actually making a difference to Manchester rather than carping from the sidelines. But then no-one would ever believe that.
Why try and be funny – this publication is already a joke.
Comment by eh? on April 1, 2011 at 4:20 pm -
fantastic – at last the revolution starts
Comment by radiohead on April 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm -
eh? – did it touch a nerve? you don’t happen to work for the council do you?
Also the SWP and Mule aren’t great fans of one another…
Comment by Abel on April 1, 2011 at 11:49 pm -
I’ve forwarded this page on to folks using Gmail Motion (Beta)…
Comment by Dwight Towers on April 2, 2011 at 3:15 am -
:-D, what a crying shame it is such a joke. MCC are the biggest April fools – cutting Manchester Advice and Youth Services
Comment by kim on April 2, 2011 at 12:41 pm -
Has anyone sent this to Richard Leese?
It might just unexpectedly inspire him to grow a set!
Comment by Steve H on April 6, 2011 at 5:15 pm
The comments are closed.
